Monkey Business

NEW YORK -- New statistics released Monday by the Elias Sports Bureau indicate that the Anaheim Angels Rally Monkey not only spurred the club to a World Series appearance, but seems to have caused a marked increase in puerile sexual humor.

According to the bureau, statements such as "you can touch my rally monkey," and "I've got your rally monkey right here," are up close to 121%.

"I really feel like I'm in middle school again," said Angels fan Bethany Skinner. "This is ridiculous. The worst part is that reacting to the statement with a blank look or by turning around and walking away doesn't even work anymore. One guy wanted me to fetch him a beer."

Sports experts see no decline in the lame sexual innuendoes in the foreseeable future. America's women, however, are bracing themselves for the fallout of Rally Monkey mania.

"Yeah, you can look forward to more of the same," said a network sports anchor who preferred to remain nameless. "My rally monkey keeps working even after the game is over."

Fat, Drunk and Stupid Is No Way To Go Through Life, Son

TALLAHASSEE -- Florida State University announced this week that it will be cancelling all classes "indefinitely."

"Our students, rightfully, need plenty of time to grieve our loss to Miami," said Provost Lawrence Abele. "It would be wrong to ask them to just get up and resume their studies as if nothing has happened."

Abele said that "traffic" as well as "stress from coursework" may be to blame for the loss to Miami, and that alleviating these problems is the first order of business for the Florida State football program. "We want no distractions for these kids," said Abele, "We have a very important game against Notre Dame in a few weeks and we don't want to get caught up in distractions like education."

Florida State made headlines earlier this season by cancelling all classes surrounding a key Thursday night matchup with Clemson.

Students are encouraged to "work through" their grief by attending a "huge kegger at the Phi Delta house" and then checking out any of the 11 student bookstore locations for sales on all officially licensed Seminoles apparel.

Bench Me Again -- Harder!

TAMPA -- Fresh off a game in which he rushed for over 130 yards and added two scores, bruising fullback Mike Alstott is looking forward to resuming his role as a little-used change-of-pace back.

"Yeah, I prefer to let Michael Pittman struggle to gain even three yards per carry, and then come off the bench to provide four or five random carries per game," said Alstott. "Pittman has proven that he almost won the job in Arizona, and besides, his biceps are huge. Have you seen them lately?"

Anxious to resume his role as an underutilized former Pro Bowler, Alstott shrugs off his 100-yard effort.

"Must be lucky," he explains. He also downplayed previous efforts in which he was explosive in relief of Pittman and the Bucs' former ineffective feature back, Warrick Dunn.

"Those guys may both have career averages of two yards per carry, but they're quality yards," said Alstott. "If you're looking for a feature back -- look no further than Michael Pittman."

Ted Kluck is a contributor to ESPN The Magazine and The Field Judge. Click here to subscribe to his newsletter.