ESPN is first of all a news organization. Which means we'll go anywhere to get the scoop. So to speak. This is why, despite artificial barriers of common decency, we asked our correspondents to stake out stadium bathrooms across the country. Here are their reports:

MEMORIAL STADIUM
BEARS VS. VIKINGS, SEPT. 8

Bears Fan 1: Hey, I hear they're running out of water in the stadium.

Vikings Fan 1: This sorta thing wouldn't happen at the Metrodome.

Bears Fan 2: What? The Vikes winning?

Bears Fan 1: We need the A-Train to get going.

Bears Fan 2: A-Train ain't done nothing but two yards all day.

Bears Fan 1: Try no yards.

Vikings Fan 1: And a hush falls over the bathroom crowd.

***

FRANKLIN FIELD
PENN VS. DARTMOUTH, OCT. 5

Concession worker 1: I can't believe we've only sold $100 in concessions. If the crowd gets any worse, we'll have to start shutting down.

Concession worker 2: You're right. At this point, the marginal cost definitely outweighs the marginal benefit. We could definitely close Stands 5 and 8.

Concession worker 1: Good call. We could probably shut down nachos, too.

Concession worker 2: Definitely. Nobody likes the nachos.

***

NOTRE DAME STADIUM
IRISH VS. STANFORD, OCT. 5
(ND trails 7-3)

Irish Fan 1: What died in here?

Irish Fan 2: Our offense.

Irish Fan 3: They gotta run more.

Irish Fan 4: No kidding -- they're getting 10 yards on every run.

Irish Fan 5: Hold this for me -- oh, that sounds bad. Hold my coat.

Irish Fan 6: I was gonna say, you guys have a close friendship.

***

FORD FIELD
LIONS VS. PACKERS, SEPT. 22

Lions Fan 1: Did you see the birds flying around the stadium?

Packers Fan 1: Yeah, they're probably vultures.

***

VETERANS STADIUM
EAGLES VS. COWBOYS, SEPT. 22
(In line for Porta Potties)

Eagles Fan 1: Eagles are looking good, huh?

Eagles Fan 2: Yeah. Last year, the defense was better than the offense. This year, the offense has caught up.

Eagles Fan 1: Well, they're definitely more balanced. But I still feel like they need to improve the running game.

Eagles Fan 2: I'm worried about how they stop the run. Corey Simon going down could be a big blow.

Eagles Fan 3: Excuse me, do you guys know each other?

Eagles Fan 1: No, why?

Eagles Fan 3: Just wondering.

Eagles Fan 1: We're just waiting for the bathroom.

Eagles Fan 2: It's the language of football.

Eagles Fan 1: Yeah, you're welcome to join in.

***

SAME GAME, WOMEN'S BATHROOM

Eagles fan 1: I'm not drinking today.

Eagles fan 2: Why not?

Eagles fan 1: I refuse to buy the beer. Total price gouging!

Eagles fan 2: That's all right, the Eagles don't suck anymore, so you don't need to be drunk to enjoy the games.

Eagles fan 1: I wish somebody would tell my husband that.