Those who can't, teach.

Those who can't teach, teach gym.

Those who can't teach gym, run the Mutual of Omaha claims department for catastrophic injuries.

	San Jose State's Neil Parry works out as he prepares for his return to college football.

At least, that's they way it looked earlier last week when the insurance company tried to bogart San Jose State's Neil Parry out of his football happily-ever-after ending. Parry is the kid who had part of his right leg amputated after suffering a compound fracture during a 2000 game against Texas-El Paso. Twenty surgeries and nearly 15 prosthetic legs later, Parry slowly, steadily and remarkably positioned himself for a dab-the-tears comeback, most likely Sept. 28 at home against that same UTEP team.

But then the Mutual of Knuckleheads decided Parry's return would force the company to cancel his lifetime catastrophic injury policy. In short, if Parry was good to go for kickoff coverage, then he'd have to do it on his own dime.

Never mind that Parry's medical expenses are $400,000 and counting, or that MOO waited until season's eve to break the news. A rule's a rule, dammit.

Of course, Mutual of Omaha's decision went over like a lead Bevo. This was like telling Dorothy that her and Toto couldn't go back to Kansas -- and by the way, Auntie Em works the graveyard shift at a liquor store and sells Lotto tickets. It was a public relations mushroom cloud.

A day later Mutual of Omaha found religion. Or its conscience. Or a good PR person. Whatever happened, Parry is back where he belongs: on the practice field, and with a modified insurance policy from MOO that guarantees him lifetime coverage.

"This is an extraordinary case," said Jack Weekly, the company's chairman and CEO.

Weekly would have been hammered daily if he hadn't reversed the initial decision. Seriously: Parry has 1½ legs. He's going to have 1½ legs if he makes an inspirational appearance on San Jose State's special teams, or if he walks to the fridge for a glass of 2 percent milk. He's never going to be physically whole again -- at least, not in the conventional way -- so what difference does it make if his comeback dream includes a heartwarming few moments on the field? It's not like Parry is doing this so he can skip his senior season for the NFL draft.

In Parry's world, healed and recovered are relative terms. He has spent nearly two years chasing the comeback carrot. Without it, who knows what might have happened? The possibility of a comeback gave him hope, gave him added reason to try to turn a tragic negative into a football miracle.

Mutual of Omaha is in the business of making a profit. Fine. But Parry's case is more about common sense and compassion than a bottom line and the letter of the law. It took public outrage, media heat and the threat of a lawsuit, but Weekly and the Mutual people did the right thing.

The next right thing? Weekly ought to buy a ticket for the Sept. 28. Along with the lifetime coverage MOO is giving Parry, it will be the best money he ever spends.

19. Payback Time
Think BYU quarterback Bret Engemann enjoyed the Cougars' 42-21 toasting of visiting Syracuse? Engemann didn't do too much, other than complete 35 of 54 passes for 386 yards and 3 touchdowns, as well run for 38 yards (the second-best rushing total for BYU that night).

Engemann had a teensy-weensy bit of motivation, what with Syracuse being the team that ended his season in 2000, and essentially costing him a serious shot at the job in 2001.

Engemann began that 2000 season as the starter, dinged up his knee against Florida State, hurt his ankle against Air Force, managed to get through the Virginia game, but then suffered a shoulder injury against the Orangemen. He had surgery to repair the damage, but by the time his shoulder started to come around it was too late -- Brandon Doman was coach Gary Crowton's easy choice at QB.

Doman is gone and No. 1 national recruit Ben Olsen is cooling his cleats as a true freshman. That leaves Engemann to make up for lost time.

18. And Now The Bad News
If BYU is going to make a run at BCS glory it had better figure out who body-snatched place-kicker Matt Payne.

Payne entered the Syracuse game with a streak of 46 consecutive extra points (73 of 76 last season). Then he missed two PATs against the Orangemen and also missed two of three field goal attempts. A 1-of-5 night might be OK for the slug trying to win a $25 gift certificate during a halftime contest, but it won't work when you're trying to make BCS noise.

The Cougars also have to survive a nasty little stretch where they face Hawaii at home (Remember the Warriors' 72-45 woodshed number last season? BYU does.) and then hit the road for their next four games.

17. Media Major
Major Applewhite's pro career lasted only slighter longer than "Mutual of Omaha Appreciation Day" at the Parry household. He came, he dropped back, he quit the New England Patriots before the team Turk could tell him to stop by Coach Belichick's office -- and, by the way, bring your playbook.

So where is Applewhite now? Back at Texas, back in school (he has one semester left before completing his degree), back in Chris Simms' rearview mirror. But this time Applewhite is holding a microphone instead of a football.

Applewhite returned to Austin and does his very own one-hour sports talk radio show. His first guest: Simms, the same guy who was benched in favor of Applewhite during the Big 12 Championship defeat to Colorado and who lost his starting job altogether for the Holiday Bowl (Applewhite completed 37 of 55 passes for 473 yards and overcame a 19-point third-period deficit to Washington in the thrilling win). Not only does Applewhite have his own radio gig, but he does a weekly segment for a local Austin TV station, and is part of the Longhorns' pregame radio team.

Will Applewhite second-guess Simms? Doubtful. Simms and Applewhite got along better than anyone realized. Still do. Plus, Applewhite probably wants to be careful about being too honest. He wants to get his degree and then get a graduate assistant coaching job in Division I-A.

16. New Year, Same Story
He began the 2001 season on the medium list of Heisman Trophy candidates. He ended it with a 4-7 record and getting booed on his own home field. In between, he played with a sore shoulder, had a baby girl (but not before his pregnant girlfriend suffered a burst appendix), saw his Heisman hype go into the dumper, and endured a miserable season where his completion rate dipped to 42.8 percent and his interceptions (12) outnumbered touchdowns (8).

	UNLV QB Jason Thomas worked hard to improve in the offseason.

No wonder UNLV's Jason Thomas couldn't wait for the opener against Wisconsin. Nothing could be worse than 2001.

Except 2002.

Thomas was booed early and often in Saturday's bizarre 27-7 loss to Wisconsin at UNLV's Sam Boyd Stadium -- the game was called with 7:41 left to play because of a blown transformer. He threw an interception on his second pass attempt of the season, and another one later in the first period. He added two fumbles to the first-half mess. The Rebels blew field position and scoring opportunities. Wisconsin eventually took full advantage of the gifts.

"I heard them," said Thomas later. "But it didn't affect me this time. I've been booed in the past. But I felt like I made some good throws."

Thomas' senior season was supposed to be markedly better than the last time Vegas fans saw him in 2001 home finale. That's when the Rebels were beaten by Utah. "I don't think we crossed the 40 [yard line]," said Thomas of UNLV's offense that night. "[The fans] were just tired of me. The year before I was the savior. Then they boo and I'm like, 'Damn.' I didn't know how to deal with it.

"One week you're the Heisman candidate, the next week it's, 'Who is this guy? He's a bum.'"

Who knows what it will be this week.

Thomas wasn't the only one who semi-stunk it up, but he'll catch most of the heat. It's too bad because Thomas worked hard during the offseason rehabbing his flawed throwing motion with new quarterbacks coach Vince Alcade. He got the pudge off his body. He pushed for the Rebels to become more of a family, beginning with a first-ever preseason players talent show. They even learned the UNLV fight song. "We didn't even know our fight song," he says.

Now they have to learn something else: start winning, or get used to the boos.

15. NI-Who?
Northern Illinois flies so far under the football radar screen that the program has grass stains on its wings. So what might not seem like a big deal to the rest of Division I-A -- NIU's 42-41 overtime win against Wake Forest -- is stop-the-presses stuff in DeKalb.

NIU sports information director Mike Korcek was so excited after the home opener that he woke up at 4 a.m. and watched a replay of the OT victory. It was NIU's first-ever overtime game, but it wasn't the first (or last) time a Mid-American Conference team left a bruise mark on the record of a big-time league member -- in this case, the ACC.

Wake isn't Oklahoma, but the Demon Deacons were still picked to finish in the upper half of their conference. And, yeah, they were missing their two best running backs (Tarance Williams -- recovering from foot surgery, Fred Staton -- academically ineligible), but Northern had some issues too (a new quarterback, for starters).

Because of 9/11-related rescheduling, Wake was NIU's final opponent last season and first opponent this season. Wake won a squeaker, 38-35, in 2001, but were done in this year by reserve safety Devron Francis, who made the game-saving tackle on the Deacons' 2-point try in OT.

NIU coach Joe Novak didn't know Francis had made the big hit until the postgame news conference.

"You made that tackle," he said to Francis. "Let me hug you. I'm going to give you another one tomorrow."

Novak doesn't get much pub, but he's another coaching product off the Miami of Ohio assembly line. And while he's often outmanned in non-conference games, he's rarely outcoached (ask Illinois, which barely escaped with a 17-12 win last season).

Anyway, here's to flying low.

14. Tulsa, You're On The Clock
That thump you heard was Duke tossing the weight of a 23-game losing streak off its back. The Blue Devils ended their football 0-fer Hell with a 23-16 win against East Carolina and afterward, Dookies coach Carl Franks had to be treated for smile cramps.

It was Duke's first victory since beating Wake Forest in November 1999. Equally important, it ends the NCAA record book death watch. Given their schedule, the Blue Devils could have conceivably broken the all-time D-IA consecutive loss record of 34 set by Northwestern. Now no more jokes about Franks trying to schedule Athletes in Action or Marathon Oil.

By the way, Navy and Houston, which were winless in 2001, also picked up victories. That leaves Tulsa with the nation's longest losing streak (11).

13. Co-Players Of The Week

	Quentin Griffin now has nine scores in his last three games against Texas.