Even his five-year-old son knew the move was Turkey worthy.

As soon as Cleveland Browns linebacker Dwayne Rudd returned home after the season-opening loss to the Kansas City Chiefs he was greeted by his son Collin, who asked his father, "What were you doing Dad?"

It's obvious, isn't it?

By heaving his helmet halfway to Akron, and thus allowing the Chiefs to kick the game-winning field goal with 0:00 on the clock, Rudd was hoping to place himself on the NFL's Mount Rushmore of Morons alongside guys like Leon Lett, Garo Yepremian and Jim Marshall while establishing himself, without a doubt, as the front-runner for the FlemFile's Fifth Annual Turkey of the Year award.

	30 Second Column
	Thirty seconds under a fumble pile with Bucs safety John Lynch. "You got seven, eight, nine guys on top of you and the sun is blocked out. It's totally dark. Guys are grunting and groaning and screaming for dear life. I mean, you get a bunch of those big boys on top of you and it's hard to breath -- guys really start freaking out. Some stats don't correlate directly to wins and losses, but turnovers do, so that ball is money. Guys will do just about anything to get it. Eye gauging. Hands inside facemasks. Feet in your face. Everybody's wiggling and wrestling. It's funny, all the money and science that goes into every aspect of this game and then, you throw a loose ball out there and, basically, we react like a bunch of kids on a playground: we all pile on and fight for the ball in a giant scrum like in rugby. I was indoctrinated into the pile when I was a rookie by (former Bills special teams great) Steve Tasker. I had just laid him out on a kickoff and somehow the ball popped loose and everyone jumped in and the next thing I know we are on the bottom of this pile facemask to facemask and he grabs me. I mean he grabs me ... and starts twisting in a spot where you never ever want to be twisted and he screams at me, 'Rookie don't you ever do that to me again!' I yelled back at him, sure -- but it was in a really high-pitched voice."
	The Flemister File
	Wherein we follow the exploits of FlemFile mascot and Washington TE Zeron Flemister: Each Thanksgiving Dorothy Flemister makes some mean macaroni, collard greens and melt-in-your-mouth sweet potato pie to accompany her turkey dinner. The only problem is the last three seasons, ZFlem hasn't been able to partake because of his busy work schedule. This year, though, the Skins travel to Dallas to take on the Cowboys on turkey day which means by Friday ZFlem will be back home in Milwaukee with mom, his little brother, Julian, and Grandpa Alfred, for a full celebratory feast. First, the Skins will have to dispatch Dallas, which has won nine in a row against the Skins. "All you hear living in D.C. is, 'We don't care if you lose all your games, just beat the Cowboys,'" says ZFlem. "This game is a big deal because Philly is hurting and we aren't out of the playoff race which is amazing to me. So we need to beat the Cowboys." He means, after the kickoff. A few years ago ZFlem was warming up before the game when, he says, LaVar Arrington exchanged words with some Cowboys and a pre-game brawl broke out. "Actually it was kinda dumb," he says, "because no officials were out on the field yet so no one really stopped it for a while." By Friday, though, the only thing ZFlem hopes to be fighting over is his momma's macaroni leftovers.
	The Flem Five
	Top Five Things I'm Thankful For in the NFL 5. TIE: Browns bad luck/U2's Elevation. My dad plans on staying alive until Cleveland wins the Super Bowl. So at this rate, the old man might just live forever. And for my money there is nothing like 75,000 Bonos howling woooo-oooh at the same time inside a packed stadium. 4. Saints kick returner Michael Lewis. From a flag football league to the Pro Bowl in four years. You couldn't invent a guy, or a story, this great. He's just like Rudy, only he has talent. 3. Brett Favre. He has redefined for me what purity means in sports. It's not the kids who play like millionaires, it's the millionaires who play like kids. 2. Tailgaters. Call me a sap, but in the middle of the sniper crisis and a year after 9/11, my spirit was renewed in the parking lot outside of FedEx field at the site of three guys beer-bonging PBR before noon. 1. Bad turf. Hey, as long as teams of turf geeks with unlimited resources in places like Pittsburgh can't get it right, I'll always have an excuse for my lawn which is currently a malodorous mélange of weeds, dirt and dog poop.
	WHYLO of the Week
	"Hear ye Hear ye, WHYLO court is now in session. The honorable judge Flem, presiding. Be seated." "All right, let's begin. I have read the statements from both parties regarding the behavior of this column's formerly beloved Lil' RedHawks of Miami University after a recent loss to Marshall and am here now to impose a WHYLO sentence. Let the record reflect that two Miami assistant coaches have been suspended from the program after one was charged with assaulting a fan and another confessed to trashing the coaches box after a recent last-second loss to Marshall." "YOUR HONOR, PLEASE!" "Defense counsel would you like to say something?" "YOUR HONOR, forgive me for interrupting, but the fan was 36 years old! What is a grown man doing on the field celebrating after a win? Unruly fans storming fields after games is now a national issue. We have already pledged to repair the damage in the coaches' box. Besides, between you and me, we really got screwed by two late pass interference calls. Therefore I think the mitigating circumstances are …" "SILENCE! ENOUGH! I'M SICK OF ALL THESE EXCUSES. What the coaches did was wrong. PERIOD. I am so sick of this, we are a society of apologists. It is disgraceful." "But your honor …" "There was a reason this column used to make tongue-in-cheek boasts about the Lil' RedHawks: it was because in the muck and mire of a hopelessly screwed up sports world they were an oasis, a school with it's priorities in the right place, the little red ream that could. Now, they're just as full of crap as everyone else. Athletics do not build character, counselor, they reveal it. The only saving grace for Miami in the eyes of this court is the statement by school president James Garland who said 'we justify our support of athletics because of the message that it sends about character. These events suggest that we've fallen short of our goal.'" "Your honor, please, I beg you …" "For crimes against this column I hereby sentence the Lil' RedHawks of Miami University to eight months of FlemFile Exile. This university and its athletic teams shall be banned from this column until July 28, 2003. Court adjourned."

As always, I'm sorry to report that there were many, many worthy candidates for this year's TOY. At times it seems the NFL is overrun with turkey jerkies. But as we hit crunch time of the NFL season and the Browns continue to fight for their lives in a tight playoff race, I'm afraid the idiocy of Rudd's mistake will only continue to be magnified. (Mudd, er, Rudd, also gets the gobble gobble for establishing the current obnoxious trend in the NFL where players celebrate wildly after performing the most basic requirement of a job they are paid millions to perform. That and, well, his team colors fit perfectly with the Thanksgiving theme of this column.)

I hate to baste Rudd more than necessary, but God help this man if, as I suspect, the surging Browns miss the postseason by one game. Cleveland fans have already suffered through The Drive, The Fumble and The Move.

Now they have to deal with …The Turkey.

OTHER NOMINEES

Ed Reed: Ravens rookie safety has ball stripped by the Bengals while celebrating before he reaches the end zone. And you thought Brian Billick had no impact on young players.

Steve Smith: Carolina receiver was arrested for assault after pummeling a teammate during a film session. Smith became enraged after someone mentioned that the pathetic Panthers were about to offer him a lifetime contract.

Steve Spurrier: Here's Ball Coach at Thanksgiving dinner: "Danny, can you pass me the stuffing … no, wait … Shane, you pass it for me … um, on second thought … hmm … Patrick, you pass it son …no… sorry … Danny? ... Yeah … Danny, you pass it for me."

The Martin Gramatica/Todd Sauerbrun feud: I haven't seen this kind of unbridled machismo since Screech fought Horseshack.

Peter Filandia: This Australian Rules Footballer was suspended for 10 days for biting an opponent's testicles during a match. Suddenly, Gram's green bean casserole doesn't sound so bad.

NFL, take I: The league levies huge fines for the same kind of hits it uses to market its product. This is like NASCAR disciplining drivers for going too fast.

NFL, take II: Dietary supplements bring a tougher mandatory penalty than cocaine. Who wrote the league's drug policy, Darryl Strawberry?

Cris Carter: If he keeps this up his impact as a Dolphin may eventually match his work in television.

Randy Moss: In trouble with the law again. Taking plays off again. This season Randy will be receiving our lifetime achievement award, The Golden Drumstick -- just as soon as Terrell Owens gets done signing it with his Sharpie.

Matt Millen: The "devout cowards" whom he's guided to 22 losses in their last 27 games play on Thanksgiving. Some of these TOYs just write themselves.

Jason Brookins: Stormed out of Packers camp and drove home to Missouri thinking he had been cut after the team requested his playbook. Actually, the coaches just wanted to insert some more terminology, including some much-needed parameters for "Go Long".

Carolina Panthers: Shut out this season (71-0) by the Falcons. Soon to be overheard in the Cincinnati Bengals locker room: "Hey, at least we're not the Panthers."

Brian Griese: When told his QB had sprained his ankle after his dog knocked him down the stairs, teammate Shannon Sharpe replied, "Are you jiving? You might want to get rid of that dog -- or put him in the circus, one of the two."

Najeh Davenport: In July police said Barry University student Mary McCarthy woke in her dorm room to find the Packers' fourth-round draft pick defecating in her laundry basket. Davenport has agreed to perform community service in order to have the charges dropped. Let's just hope they don't put him on laundry detail.

Red McCombs: Billionaire owner of the Vikes held a garage sale at the team's facility hoping to pawn off some office equipment, practice dummies … and his pass defense. Hey, why not? The Vikes sure aren't using it.

Garrison Hearst: What was more insulting, his homophobic rant or his halfhearted apology? Garrison will be receiving the Turkey Tolerance award -- presented by the reverend Reggie White.

Jeremy Shockey: Has one TD and ranks 42nd in catches in the NFL, and still celebrates like Rerun after every meaningless 4-yard reception. How about saving the fist-pumping and trash talking for something really momentous -- like buckling your chin strap?

Marty Mornhinweg: Detroit coach gave away a victory in OT with two terrible decisions: Worried about holiday traffic, he wanted to end the game as soon as possible and get back on the road.

Emmitt Smith: Ranked 23rd in yards rushing, 33rd in rushing TDs and 35th in yards per carry. Apparently, he wanted to be just like Barry Sanders and retire before breaking Walter Payton's record.

David Fleming: Player-hatin', fish-wrappin', wannabe bee-atch. There. I just saved you the trouble of sending out a hate e-mail because I know how terribly busy (wink wink) you are at work waiting for the Thanksgiving holiday to begin.

David Fleming is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail him at FlemFile@carolina.rr.com. But watch out -- you could be the WHYLO of the Week.