Halfway to MVP: I don't care how many games the Chiefs win or lose, Kansas City running back Priest Holmes is on pace for 30 TDs and 2,600 total yards. Also receiving Half a vote: QBs Brett Favre, Donovan McNabb, Drew Bledsoe and Aaron Brooks.

Half as nice as a Porta-John: The visiting team locker room/trailer behind the not-yet-finished Lambeau Field.

Half as explosive as predicted: Steve Spurrier's new Fun-n-Gun-n-Three-n-Done offense.

Doing twice as much with Half the talent: The Ravens' Brian Billick (admit it). Cards coach Dave McGinnis. Atlanta's Dan Reeves.

Doing Half as much with twice the talent: Bill Callahan in Oakland and Chicago's Dick Jauron.

I'll go Halfway crazy: If I see one more political ad. Filmmaker Michael Moore said it best: We live in an era of politics where the choice is not between the lesser of two evils but the evil of two lessers.

Hey, it only took Half a season: For Mike Martz to figure out the Rams are 19-0 when Marshall Faulk rushes for 100 yards or more. Now the Lambies have more than Half a chance to make the playoffs.

Halfway to coach of the year: Saints coach Jim Haslett, followed closely by Marty Schottenheimer (unless he breaks out those Blues Clues jerseys again).

	30 Second Column
	After fining three players (Cowboys safety Darren Woodson, Eagles safety Brian Dawkins and Texans tackle Gary Walker) a total of $140,000 last week for illegal hits, NFL commish Paul Tagliabue sent a letter out to coaches around the league asking them to police their players and put an end to the violence. Hey, I'm all for protecting players, avoiding injuries and reining in bad coaches. But let's face it, there's more passing than ever before in the game and one obvious byproduct of that is more unprotected players and more bone-crunching hits. Football, by its very nature, is a violent sport and it is therefore impossible to legislate big hits out of the game. But a bigger concern to me is -- once again -- the unmatched hypocrisy of the NFL. Remember, this is a league that markets its product -- in ads, in video games and in JumboTron highlight reels -- using the same kinds of hits it now wants to fine players and coaches for committing? Give me a break. You can't market your multi-billion-dollar sport one way and then punish people for following that very same model. Well, you can. But no one will take you seriously.
	The Flemister File
	Wherein we follow the exploits of FlemFile mascot and Washington TE Zeron Flemister: Does the electric whine of the dentist's drill give you the heebie-jeebies? Well, big, bad pro football players are terrified of it too. I caught up with ZFlem on his way home from The Chair on Tuesday morning -- his first dental appointment since college. "The smell, the sounds, those gloves, that drill," says ZFlem, "my teammates laugh at me about how much I hate the dentist." Turns out, he had good reason. The pain he was feeling was three cavities and some serious tartar build-up under his gums that required a procedure ZFlem described as "not exactly a pleasure." (There's NFL insiders in this biz and then there's me below the gumline.) Almost as painful as, say, jumping offside on your first play of the game against the Seahawks? That's right, after a week in exile, ZFlem was approached by 'Skins coach Steve Spurrier (clearly fearful of the wrath of FlemFile Nation), who told him to get ready to play against Seattle. On ZFlem's first play back in the lineup, the hostile crowd saw QB Shane Matthews audibling and tried to drown out the call. Left to anticipate the snap, ZFlem guessed wrong. "Aw man, I get back in the game and the first thing I do is mess up," he says. "But I blocked well, we ran the ball well and we won the game so it turned out okay." Now that the Fun-n-Gun has been reduced to the Run-n-Run, ZFlem is resigned to the fact that he'll be using those great hands to block a lot more as the 'Skins try to, literally, make a run for the playoffs. "Well, sure I prefer to catch passes," he says, "but the ultimate goal is to make the playoffs and I'm more than willing to do what ever it takes to get there." But first, it's back to Dr. Happydrill next Tuesday to fill those three cavities. "This is how I spend my day off -- at the dentist," laments ZFlem. "That's the big-time, huh?"
	The Flem Five
	Top five most common sports radio commercials: 5. Penile implants 4. Professor Point Spread and his guaranteed winner 3. How to grow hair and/or lose weight 2. Your town's classiest all-nude club 1. TIE: Herbal viagra and divorce lawyers
	WHYLO of the Week
	Here's a pretty typical email from Oakland fans who were not exactly thrilled with last week's column on the graying of the Raiders, er, Grayders. Adam Castanon writes, "F--- you bitch. Maybe you are the one that's old and bitter. Thanks a-- face. P.S. Go f--- yourself." Chad McCarty writes, "You are a small man whose parents wouldn't let you play football because it would get in the way of your piano classes." Travis wonders, "Do you not have a soul?" From Derek, "You illiterate piece of s---." From Emmanuel Reyes, "F--- you and the mule you and your [mean] wife rode in on, you SOB!" Brandon Gastelum says, "Kill yourself and go to hell." Bob Carr writes, "You are such an a--hole, you are a disgrace to ESPN, sports writers and fans all around the world!" Even the ladies got into the act. Rachel Tamagni writes, "I think your article sucked and so do you cheeseball." Ron Russell called me a, "no it all." Adam Pearson writes, "Get on your scooter and go cover a golf tournament." Mark Snater waited until his post script to get his point across. "p.s.," he wrote, "You suck." Chris Aten sarcastically suggested I change my name to, "Flemingway." It goes on and on and on like this (welcome to my life). The funny part is after spewing their sewage and predicting a blowout win over the 49ers most Grayder fans pretty much agreed with the premise of the article. Several even self-titled their emails 'Candidate for WHYLO of the Week.' Who am I to deny them? But there are so many. I can't choose just one. No way. So for the first time I'm giving the WHYLO award to an entire nation. Grayder Nation, Who Helped You Log On?
	Flem Gems
	Miami 38, Ohio U 20. The repercussions of this victory -- Miami's sixth in its last seven games -- are far and wide. First, my buddy and former Bobcat Burnsie, who talked me into giving him 14 points, will be coming over soon to wash my car. Although I may wait until the first snowfall of the year to cash in my winnings. Second, MY LIL REDHAWKS ARE NOW IN FIRST PLACE IN THE MID-AMERICAN CONFERENCE EAST DIVISION. And finally, this sets up a showdown on Nov. 12 in Huntington, W.Va., with Marshall for a shot at the MAC Championship Game. Are we a nation of phonies? During the last year everybody seems to have gone out and purchased an American flag. Yet today only a fraction of those people will actually bother to vote. I've got no problem with the Lions fans' treatment of Emmitt Smith. If I'm an NFL coach I don't want to play St. Louis, Kansas City or Pittsburgh after Thanksgiving. When you play so well it gets Brett Favre pumped up, like WR Donald Driver did Monday night, you know you're having a helluva game. After a bit of a lull, this week's Curb was the best one yet. I fell off my couch laughing at the end. This column was written while listening to The Talking Heads.

Halfway to a bad record: The Texans are trying to turn QB David Carr into a lemon. He's on pace to shatter the NFL record of 72 sacks in a season.

Half the size: Pop-Tarts compared to what they were five years ago.

Look how much difference moving two and a Half yards sideways can make: Converted from a tackle to an end, Denver's Trevor Pryce has seven sacks.

Halfway to a meaningless record: With 69 catches, Colts WR Marvin Harrison is on pace to shatter the NFL record for receptions in a season, and if the Horseshoes keep it up he'll have the holidays free to celebrate the award.

Hey, not Half bad: Ever had the steak soup in Kansas City?

Halfway to the unemployment line: When the time comes, will Mike Holmgren the GM be forced to fire Mike Holmgren the coach?

Your old team is Half as good without you: Former Rams linebacker and current leader of the Bills D, London Fletcher. Receiving Half a vote: Jon Gruden.

Your reward is getting to coach the second Half of the season: Congratulations Dick Lebeau.

Half his potential: How much the sick Mike Vick has revealed to the NFL so far.

Half over: This column.

Half: The number of neighbors who got the costumes my daughter Ally (The Edge) and I (Bono) wore on Halloween.

You're Half as good without your old team: Former Saints DE Joe Johnson on the verge of free agent flop before bowing out with injury. Receiving Half a vote: Bucs RB Michael Pittman.

It deserved Half as much attention as it got: Terrell Owens' Sharpie-gate. By the way, Owens is just a little over Halfway to being Halfway to his goal of 2,000 yards receiving this year.

Half-wit: It's looking more and more like Dwayne Rudd's heinous helmet toss might cost the Dawgs their day in the playoffs.

Half-baked: This new playoff system. Teams from the AFC South and the AFC North are gonna keep playing while teams like New England and K.C. sit at home.

  Half of 1 percent: The number of e-mails from Raiders fans in response to last week's column that did not include slurs, profanity, threats and suggestions to perform feats that are anatomically impossible.

Half a brain: What Matt Millen, Lions GM and leader of Detroit's "devout cowards," would have if he found half a brain.

Halfway to defensive MVP: As the Steelers get on a roll in the second half, keep an eye on Pittsburgh linebacker Joey Porter, who has four picks, six sacks and a team-high 45 solo tackles. Also receiving Half a vote: Bucs LB Derrick Brooks.

Half-hearted: The collective effort so far in Dallas.

If only he were playing Half as well in real life: Ubiquitous video game spokesman and part-time Pittsburgh RB Jerome Bettis. ("The wheels on the bus are … old and worn, old and worn, old and worn …") This guy is in more commercials than (H)Alf.

Halfway to rookie of the year: Carolina defensive end Julius Peppers, who already has nine sacks. Also receiving Half a vote: Detroit QB Joey Harrington, Bills OT Mike Williams and Pittsburgh WR Antwaan Randle El.

Winning with Half a team: The 6-1 Packers have lost five defensive starters to injury.

Half-ass: This isn't an award or anything, but it's one of my dad's favorite sayings.

Half an hour: The elapsed time referees should shoot for while reviewing even the most obvious plays in that little peep-show-booth-thingie on the sidelines.

Half the field, but twice the creativity: Speed as the No. 1 weapon, returning missed field goals, all-out blitzing, three-step, lightning-fast read and releases, Kurt Warner, Tommy Maddox -- the Arena League's influence on the NFL is undeniable.

Half-n-Half: Over Cocoa Puffs. Try it. Then schedule an angioplasty.

Half off: In a move that was sure to instill confidence in his club, Vikes owner Red McCombs held a garage sale at the team's facility trying to unload some football equipment and office furniture. So this is where he found the coin for Bryant McKinnie's signing bonus.

More than Half-human: Cancel the DNA test, I saw Pats coach Bill Belichick hugging Ty Law after the Buffalo game.

Halfway to a Halfway House: Any time Randy Moss gets behind the wheel.

Best Halftime entertainment: I know why the NFL hasn't instituted a league-wide policy to let Pop Warner teams play on stadium fields during the Halftime break: It's because most of these games are more entertaining.

Halfway: What we all are to the wildest regular season finish in a long time.

David Fleming is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail him at FlemFile@carolina.rr.com. But watch out -- you could be the WHYLO of the Week.