Most of us, when we see punt teams trot out onto the field each Sunday take that as our cue from the NFL to hit the bathroom or the concession stand. Problem is, you end up missing the most flat-out bizarre, violent, gutsy and entertaining players in the NFL.

I'm talking about Gunners, the two guys spread wide on punt coverage. These are the game's kamikaze pilots who battle double teams as they race down field trying to knock the snot out of the punt returner. It's high-speed, hand-to-hand combat. I'm talking elbows to the trachea. Knees to the groin. Eye gouging. Melon stomping. League-sanctioned mugging.

	30 Second Column
	While appearing on Mike Ditka's radio show last week, Detroit Lions GM Matt Millen announced that he has a guy on his defense who is a "devout coward". Millen apologized for the remarks before during and after the Lions upset of the Bears but he would not elaborate on the identity of said coward. Well I know exactly who it is. A devout coward is someone who takes over a team that had won nine games in 2000 and been to the playoffs in 1999 and turns them into the Bengals then points the finger at the players HE BROUGHT IN. A devout coward is someone who hires a coach who installs an offensive scheme that he doesn't really have the personnel for then blames others for the failure that ensues. A devout coward is someone who preaches all this old-school, gritty, comrades-in-the-trenches BS for two years then turns into Terrell Owens on the radio. Who is the devout coward in Detroit? It's obvious, isn't it?
	The Flemister File
	Wherein we follow the exploits of FlemFile mascot and Washington TE Zeron Flemister: First game of the season, Redskins punting, ZFlem jumps in front of a defensive lineman as part of his special teams duties and feels his right knee buckle. "It's a 300-pound guy blasting into a knee joint," he says, "something's gotta give." The pain shoots up his leg. Doc says it's a slight tear of the cartilage. In many ways it's the worst kind of injury you can have: severe enough to limit strength and lateral mobility while pushing your pain threshold -- but not bad enough for season-ending surgery. "You play with pain, that's how this game works," says ZFlem. "No matter who you are or what part of the season it is, something always hurts. This isn't basketball or baseball, you gotta be a little tougher than that. This league is so competitive I can see why guys go through 10-11 surgeries in order to keep playing. Hopefully by the time I retire they will have some kind of scientific discovery to regrow cartilage." Slowed by the injury -- it requires 45 minutes of extra treatment a day -- and the QB merry-go-round in D.C., ZFlem has now gone two weeks without seeing a single pass. He says Spurrier's offense gets the ball to different positions in bunches and you just have to wait for your number to be called. The wobbly knee didn't stop him from enjoying some time after Sunday's game in Green Bay with a few dozen of his family and friends who drove up from Milwaukee and Chicago. Mostly they wanted to make sure ZFlem was okay living near the sniper's nest. "Everyone is affected," he says. "Our facility is in a very open, woody area and you do stop and wonder, 'Dang, that dude could be out there.' I find myself at gas stations looking over my shoulder. Guys are always talking about it, about how their gas tanks are on empty but they don't want to go get gas. This is just a crazy, crazy deal for everyone in the area."
	The Flem Five
	Top Five Thoughts After Seeing Joey Harrington in Cosmo as One of the Hottest Hunks in the U.S.: 5. Well, at least he kept his shirt on for the picture. 4. This "reserved, loyal, goofy" guy has to line up across from Warren Sapp on Dec. 15. 3. Vanilla-bean ice cream is Joey's guilty pleasure. Eugene Robinson he is not. 2. Joey's mom, Valerie, liked the feature but thought the rest of the magazine was "kind of dirty." 1. If he read where Harrington said, "Soft cheeks are so attractive," did Lions center Dominic Raiola blush?
	WHYLO of the Week
	Poor Saints fans. So used to nothing but negative news about their team, they went all wacky after reading last week's Return of the Swamp Thing column on their now 6-1 squad. Stewart Neff called it a "literary masterpiece"; Tim Poulus has decided his Saints will now "go undefeated at home and finish 13-3"; and Ricky from Miami began with "This is not going to be another Dear F---head email. I wanted to say that I enjoy reading a sports column that can keep me entertained the whole way through like yours does." Joel Goff balances out the emails by saying, "Please if you want to be a real sports writer stop kissing everyone's behind." Reader Michael Alleman enjoyed the Saints column but wanted to point out that I forgot to capitalize Cajun in the column. He's absolutely correct, of course, but that doesn't make him any less obnoxious. He was spared WHYLO status by Cal Poly student Joe Muratori who sent me his home address and asked if I would "kick" him down some sample issues. I was actually considering it until I read his next request. "Oh yeah ... I was also wondering if you could set me up with an internship of some sort. I will be graduating this year in physics. To tell you the truth, I hate physics and know more than you can imagine about football and sprorts [sic] in general. Thanx Flemmie." Unfortunately, all I'm really able to give is this award. Joey, Who Helped You Log On?
	Flem Gems
	In seven weeks picking games as a host on HBO's Inside the NFL, unretired WR Cris Carter never once picked against his future team. And by signing during the Dolphins' bye week, Carter now has two whole weeks to be self-centered and divisive in the locker room before taking the field. … I know Michael Vick's secret. I saw him double-fisting Krispie Kreme donuts after practice a few weeks ago. … I need to know: If I buy a Volkswagen Cabrio will I be driving a chick car? Should I just ask Joey Harrington? … In six of their seven games so far this season the Chiefs have given up more than 300 yards passing. Dick Vermeil won a Super Bowl with half a team in St. Louis but it's not working in Kansas City. … Still don't think Larry David is a genius? He's bald. He's bitter. He's banal. Yet in last week's Curb he somehow convinced Alanis Morissette to whisper into his ear. ... Vikes QB Daunte Culpepper continues to get picked off while trying to force the ball into Randy Moss. Ahh the Randy Ratio working its magic once again. … My lawn sucks and I'm quite proud of it. … The way he has shuffled his injury-plagued lineup with such aplomb, Pack coach Mike Sherman has my early vote for Coach of the Year. First, though, let's see how he does with a gimpy Brett Favre. I know what you're thinking right now, "Gee I wish I knew more about Favre's backup, Doug Pederson." … When Emmitt Smith breaks Walter Payton's all-time rushing record he'll likely have three fewer TDs than Bucs 'backer Derrick Brooks. … MY LIL' REDHAWKS FROM MIAMI 49, BUFFALO 0. This is gonna look like a soccer score after what we do to Ohio U. … Texans QB David Carr has been sacked 40 times and it's not Halloween yet. … This column was written while listening to The Replacements.

Here's the hardcore kicker: If the two guys abusing the Gunner are locked in at the same time then they are allowed, encouraged even, by the NFL to hold. And so to avoid this you will occasionally see a Gunner racing down the field out of bounds, weaving through a crowded bench area like someone pushing the wrong way through a packed subway station, only to pop out the other side at the last second to torpedo the ball carrier.

If the NFL is indeed a turf war, then these are the enlisted men, the foot soldiers. Okay, the nut jobs. (Just ask the Pittsburgh Steelers, who gave up a 55-yard punt return in their 24-17 loss to the Patriots in last season's AFC title game, if Gunners are important or not.) "It's a prerequisite for this job that the guy's a little crazy," says Bengals special teams coach Al Roberts. "But I will tell you this: go into any locker room and the guy people respect the most isn't the star QB or the big linebacker, it's the Gunner."

While facing the Patriots in 1994, Buffalo's perennial all-pro Gunner (I capitalize the position out of respect) Steve Tasker, all 5'9", 175 pounds of him, broke his hand covering a punt, had it wrapped up, came back and clawed through yet another double team to make the tackle on the very next punt. When he was inevitably shoved to ground by the two DBs covering him Tasker's signature move was to roll away from his blockers like someone on fire and while the guys stood there dumbfounded, wondering if he was having a seizure, he'd jump up and continue running to the ball.

"Greatest single play I have ever seen on a football field," says Bears two-time Pro Bowl Gunner and nine-year vet Larry Whigham. "Playing Gunner is the hardest one play in football. Trust me, I've been trying to get away from this job for nine years. It's like lining up across from two rabid Rottweilers on every play. I've got guys jumping up and down on my head and if I do make the tackle or down the ball near the goal line, which is huge, most people miss it because they went to the bathroom or the hot dog stand."

Not me. For starters I swore off stadium hot dogs after a really bad trip in Jacksonville during the 1996 season. Besides that, I'm a sick puppy who can't get enough of the two things Gunners represent: underdogs and ultra-violence.

You can have your bonus baby QBs and your Campbell's Soup pitchmen who double as linebackers. There's something twisted about Gunners. Theirs is the most dangerous, but thankless job in a league full of pampered babies. For me they embody the violent and visceral -- but valiant -- heart and soul of this game. Most folks daydream about being Brett Favre or Ricky Williams. Me? I always see myself as a Gunner.

"Guys ask me to help them with technique," says Whig, who played seven seasons in New England before joining the Bears in 2001. "And I tell them 'Man there ain't no technique, you just gotta have heart and fight.' "

I've seen guys shoved out of bounds and into the Gatorade table like a bar brawl in an old Western. "If you're lined up near the other team's bench," says Whig, "you can hear guys yelling, 'Bring him over here, bring him to the Gatorade table baby!'" I've seen guys darting through the sidelines, focused downfield, only to get their clock cleaned by a teammate who didn't step out of the way in time. "I bounced off [Patriots LB] Ted Bruschi once and it knocked me out cold," says Whig.

I've seen pinkies mangled after they were caught in face masks. I've seen eyes swollen shut and nearly poked out. I've seen guys stepped on, kicked, shoved mercilessly back and forth between blockers -- they call that getting ping-ponged. I've seen guys give up and just turtle on the turf until the play was over.

Whig says he lined up to cover a punt against the Dolphins in 1998 and before the snap the two guys across from him admitted that if they gave up the tackle they were gonna get cut. "Why not just ask for my head on a platter?" he says.

He has retaliated (and been caught) only once. The Packers once triple-teamed him. The two guys on the outside forced him to the middle of the field where a back-pedaling linebacker clotheslined him with a meaty forearm. He folded like a cheap wallet and slumped to the ground where, he says, the Packers continued to pummel him long after the whistle. He says the karate chop to the throat that he delivered -- and was booted from the game for -- was strictly in self-defense … and I have no reason to doubt him.

Besides the occasional on-field tracheotomy, a Gunner's only revenge is the delicious de-cleater. Every once in a while they run by (or over or through or around whatever works, really) the double team and rocket downfield for one of those perfectly timed, knee-buckling, back-breaking thunderous tackles that plants the guy like a gardenia and makes everyone in the stadium gasp and cringe and watch the rest of the game through their two hands.

Everyone but you, I suppose.

You and your tea-cup bladder probably missed the whole thing.

David Fleming is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail him at FlemFile@carolina.rr.com. But watch out -- you could be the WHYLO of the Week.