Steve Spurrier's sudden resignation from Florida has cranked up the rumors and the RPMs on an NFL coaching carousel that was already careening out of control.

Dial up any sports radio yahoo in the land and they will tell you (just before breaking for either a hair tonic, gambling guru, nudie club or herbal Viagra commercial) that these moves are already a lock: Dan Reeves is headed to the front office; Bill Parcells is coming to Hotlanta; Denny Green is surfin' in San Diego; Tony Dungy has a realtor in Minnesota; Jerry Jones has fired himself and replaced himself with himself; George Seifert is off to Denver (not the Broncos, but a trout stream); and Steve Spurrier's dog is kennel-shopping in North Carolina.

Well, this much I know for certain: A control freak like Steve Spurrier, a guy who, I bet, creases his visor with an iron before each game, does not quit without another gig already lined up. And if the Bucs are dumb enough to make room for him by firing a class guy and great coach like Tony Dungy, then they deserve a return to the fluorescent disco-orange uniforms and decades of swashbuckling buffoonery that preceded him.

As far as Carolina, well, I would advise Spurrier against it. I live down here. I've been to many, many games, practices and training camps. I've seen the Panthers -- more than I can stomach, in fact. And, let me tell you, I wouldn't want Gerry Faust to take this job.

Here's why (Steve, pay attention, this is for your own good):

1) As proven by the "blizzard" this week (in the South that means 1.25 inches or more of snow), this ain't Florida, big guy.

2) You will forever be hounded by the query: Could the 0-14 Bucs team you played for beat the 1-15 Panthers team you now coach?

3) This week less than 1,000 people showed up to cheer on the NBA Hornets.That's the kind of fan support you can expect here in Charlotte. Not exactly The Swamp, is it?

4) Sorry, but, Vanderbilt is not in the NFC West.

5) Try benching your bonus-baby QB or wideout for the start of a big game and see how that goes over.

6) After the kind of trouble that has plagued pro athletes in Charlotte, the term Fun 'N Gun is no longer an appropriate way to describe your offense.

7) Future games against the Ravens will have to be canceled because no NFL stadium is equipped to hold both yours and Brian Billick's egos.

8) A sweet paint job on a racecar is what passes for art in this town.

9) Steve Spurrier meet Sean Gilbert … Sean Gilbert, Steve Spurrier.

10) Interested in a North Carolina program with a winning tradition? You'd be better off going back to Duke.

David Fleming is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine. E-mail him at flemfile@aol.com.