| | When the news hit that Mario Lemieux was considering making a comeback,
every other owner in professional sports sighed with envy.
|  | | It isn't Mario Lemieux -- instead, it's Mavs owner Mark Cuban donning a Penguins jersey. |
Well, maybe not Wellington Mara or Dan Rooney. The older you get in the
cushy leather chair, after all, the farther away you get from childhood, the
farther away your childhood dreams.
But if you don't think Dan Snyder and Mark Cuban and about 70 or 80 of
their contemporaries weren't going all green, then you've gone all gray.
The Pittsburgh Penguins owner is apparently close to giving up his seat
on the NHL's Board of Governors to return to the ice and the glory that was
his. Lemieux was considered, next to fellow owner Wayne Gretzky, the greatest
player of his era. He is a two-time Stanley Cup winner, with a bunch of MVP
trophies, some scoring titles, and eventually, was given the keys to the Penguins'
executive washroom.
And no, we don't have idea how a penguin would use the executive
washroom.
But something still stirred in Lemieux, aroused no doubt by his last
Board of Governors meeting and the knowledge that he'd be looking at these
same rubbery faces for years to come. He wants to play still, to lead the
Penguins more directly to future glory.
And we just can't have it.
Because you know what it leads to. The horror of imitation.
Not that Gretzky's comeback would be such a bad thing, and we could even
stretch our imaginations some for Jerry Richardson, the owner of the Carolina
Panthers, to return to his tight-end playing roots.
But who do you think wants to see Bob Kraft playing safety for the New
England Patriots, or Pat Croce backing in Karl Malone in Philadelphia, or
Carl Lindner playing right field next to Ken Griffey, Jr., in Cincinnati?
And worse yet, what do you think of Daniel Snyder benching Jeff George
as he benched Brad Johnson, this time so he could be the quarterback
himself?
Horrible. No, beyond horrible. Unwatchable. And you know how ESPN feels
about unwatchable television.
Well, most of the time, anyway.
Anyway, we have come to expect a certain role from our owners.
We like them rich, of course, while taking care not to look too rich. We like
them not whining about how much money they don't have, but cheerfully report
their lies about their poverty as though they were fact.
We also like them in owners' boxes, acting like swine when they threaten
to lock out their players, and making that Hello Kitty face when they decide
their 10-year-old stadium is too old and what is the government going to do
about it?
|
“ |
You know imitative these guys are. As soon as Lemieux
scores his first goal, there will be this long line of old men strapping on
pads, an aging woman trying to wedge on a lineman's helmet, and while
committees of investors trying to become a special team or two.
” |
We are not prepared to see them running, jumping, throwing, skating,
screening, pivoting, spearing, slashing, tripping, leg-whipping, steroiding,
or God forbid most of all, nightclubbing.
In these overhyped times, when nobody stays with a team more than a
couple of weeks, agents roam without leashes, and nothing is as it seems,
isn't it reasonable to want just a little stability? A little something you
can rely on no matter what?
Is it so much to ask not to have 63-year-old commodities traders running
around in short pants trying to hit the open trey? Are we being age-ist when
we insist that 59-year-old TV executives not try to be the front end of a
double steal?
Do we, in short, really need to worry about Jerry Reinsdorf trying to
beat Elton Brand to a loose ball?
We shouldn't. But you know imitative these guys are. As soon as Lemieux
scores his first goal, there will be this long line of old men strapping on
pads, aging woman trying to wedge on a lineman's helmet, and committees of investors trying to become a special team or two.
We don't want to see this, and because of that, we urge Mr. Lemieux to
reconsider this decision. Think of the beauty of "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely
Hearts Club," and the years of wretched music that followed it. Think of the
trenchant yet wacky humor of "Animal House" and the string of dreadful
knockoff films that followed it.
The precedents are plainly too horrible to consider.
Ray Ratto of the San Francisco Examiner is a frequent contributor to ESPN.com. | |
ALSO SEE
Super comeback? Lemieux expected to make return
Memorabilia market primed for a Lemieux return
Pang: Lemieux sees kinder, gentler NHL
Lemieux's skate a foretaste of comeback
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