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John Swofford stands at the window of his office (we assume he has an office with a window, anyway), looks out at the world before him and says, "Hmmm, I'll take that one, and that one, and that one over there.''
|  | | If ACC commissioner John Swofford is really serious, expansion possibilities abound. |
He is the commissioner of the rapidly multiplying Atlantic Coast Conference. He is the High Lord Sheriff of athletic acquisition, collecting university athletic departments with a single-minded focus that makes Don Rumsfeld seem like Homer Simpson. He is the face of the next NCAA.
He has lifted Miami, Virginia Tech and Boston College from their Big East shackles, and now -- according to some reports -- Notre Dame has come calling to inquire about ACC membership.
That would leave him only 104 schools short of having 100 percent of the Division 1-A football factories, and on the off-chance that he isn't planning to corner the market on the directional schools, he is probably closer to needing about 70, plus a few basketball-onlies who generate enough cash without football.
Now we're not about to engage in some John-Swofford-Planetary-Representative-Of-The-Evil-Empire rant. For one, there is no evidence that he actually pistol-whipped anyone into joining the ACC. He just put on an intergalactic sweet-talk, showed a little leg, and eviscerated the Big East.
Well, maybe not eviscerated the Big East as much as convinced the Big East to eviscerate Conference USA.
But Notre Dame? That puts him in another league, acquisitionally speaking. John Swofford, meet Charlemagne.
Oh, he says all the pro forma things, telling USA Today: "Our sentiment is not to pursue any new members at this time.''
This is, of course, utter arglebargle. He'd sign up Jupiter if he could convince the other ACC schools to play road games in a methane-based atmosphere.
But the real question to be asked here is not "Who else?'' but "Where to stop?'' It is a question Swofford occasionally asks himself while he surveys a banquet table-sized map of the United States with the 12 schools already in and the possibility of Notre Dame signing on.
The SEC: Everyone but Vanderbilt. The Commodores have as many ambulatory brain boxes as any school in America, but this isn't about academics any more than anything else in the NCAA is about academics. This is about bringing the groceries, and Vandy has never put a team in the NCAA Tournament, or been in a bowl team since 1982.
TOTAL SCHOOLS IN THE GRAND PLAN: 24.
The Big XII: Baylor is sort of a head-scratcher given its recent issues, but Swofford sees potential where most people see money pits. He schmoozes the current membership, and he brings them all in.
TOTAL SCHOOLS IN THE GRAND PLAN: 36.
The Big Ten: What's not to want? The worst football school, Indiana, is a traditional basketball power, and the worst basketball school, Northwestern, was in a bowl game three years ago. Plus, Northwestern brings in Chicago, which as anyone who has ever found him or herself on Division Street at 3:30 a.m. will attest, Chicago is good.
TOTAL SCHOOLS IN THE GRAND PLAN: 47.
The Pac-10: Both L.A.s, both Bay Areas, both Arizonas -- easy calls. Nike now owns Oregon, so that's a keeper, and Washington has Seattle, which means free coffee for the staff meetings. Oregon State and Washington State are intriguing, but just don't have enough financial throw weight.
TOTAL SCHOOLS IN THE GRAND PLAN: 55.
The Big East: What, there's more? Hey, let bygones be bygone. West Virginia, yes. Pittsburgh, yes. Syracuse and Temple, no question. UConn, sure. Ahh, but now comes the hard part. Do they take basketball-only or basketball-dominant schools, like Providence, Seton Hall, St. John's, Villanova and Georgetown? And what about Rutgers, which has struggled recently in both big sports? A tough call here, but the lures of New York, Philadelphia and Washington D.C. are just too great. Everyone but Rutgers, come on down.
TOTAL SCHOOLS IN THE GRAND PLAN: 65.
Conference USA: We are using present membership as our guide here, so the recent defections are still covered here. Cincinnati, Louisville, Memphis, DePaul, St. Louis, Tulane, TCU and Houston, sure. Southern Mississippi, South Florida, East Carolina, Charlotte and UAB? With apologies, no. Army? West Point generally takes a dim view of the hostile takeover, for obvious reasons.
TOTAL SCHOOLS IN THE GRAND PLAN: 72.
The Atlantic 10: St. Joseph's, Dayton and Xavier are too good at basketball to escape an invitation, but the letterhead is starting to look a little cluttered.
TOTAL SCHOOLS IN THE GRAND PLAN: 75.
Mountain West: Hey, Delta flies everywhere, right? Take Utah, BYU, UNLV, San Diego State, Colorado State and New Mexico. And you know what, everyone likes to hunt and fish, so be magnanimous and take Wyoming, too. Air Force, like Army and Navy, is usually busy with more global matters:
TOTAL SCHOOLS IN THE GRAND PLAN: 82.
The WAC: Now the standards get tougher. Fresno State and SMU have probably earned their way in, and Hawaii is tough to turn down for athletic director's meetings. After that, though, appetite control starts to become important:
TOTAL SCHOOLS IN THE GRAND PLAN: 85.
The Mid-American: There isn't a basketball power with a good enough football pedigree, or vice versa, to make anyone here palatable to ACC World headquarters. Plus, there is no huge population center not already covered. Same for the Sun Belt, and most of the basketball-only or Division 1-AA schools. You could make cases for some basketball powers like Gonzaga, Butler, Princeton and Penn, but why be greedy? Uhh, bad choice of words.
FINAL TOTAL: 85, to be broken down into two divisions, one with 43 schools, one with 42.
No, make it 86 schools. Swofford needs an even number to make this work, and though MIT generally stinks in the more athletic pursuits, who better to work out the scheduling?
Next week, we'll look at the European soccer leagues to see what the ACC needs next. Let's see .... Manchester United, Real Madrid, Bayern Munich, Juventus, sure ... Dinamo Kyiv, Sturm Graz, Ajax, Rosenborg, probably not ...
Ray Ratto is a columnist with the San Francisco Chronicle and a regular contributor to ESPN.com
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